Life... Oh life!

I have so many regrets in my life and if I would count it one-by-one. It would be a stressfull-slash-depressing move that I would do in my entire life.

My dreams are one of the things that I try to put aside not because I've given up on dreaming or reaching for it, But, because I got too tired and too scared that I wanted to take a rest for a while (not counted as giving up db?). And stop stressing myself over things that I don't even know why it's too Stressful for me to handle. (hear Mr. Salt saying making issue over small things)

All these pressures from friends, family and worst MYSELF is already killing me! (But the most painful part is when your MOM would critic you!)

For once I wanted to give myself space to think things over 'cause for all this time I always prioritize other people first rather than me. And it all hit me one day when I notice that NOBODY not even ONE person "Care" to ask what I want, and what I feel... - E, teka nga muna that's too much! a-wait wait wait! I'm done!" And it hit me...

I was deeply saddened that I was too weak to let other people control my life, I was too naive to decide for myself and for what I want, too contented and settle for less than what I want and deserve and what I can do. Can't even answer "What I want?" (pretends MIGRAINE attack)

I am CONFUSED over things I want... way way back, when I used to get all things planned out even the very tiniest details of every thing. But, things didn't end the way I wanted it to be. THINGS change, plans change... Goals simplified., Dreams set aside.

Where does it went wrong? - can't think straight.

Needed a day-off when in fact Everyday is a day-off. *sigh*

I have loads of regrets and it scares the h*** out of me to know that I live my life full of all those craps. I'm too lax, handling life as easy as that. A fighter in me would say "get up! get movin" But a loser in me says "hey! I'm too tired for this battle. Maybe next time or not". I am well aware with my senses (most of the time), and I get too tired with all these things. I wanted to rest... How I wish I had a body without a heart so I wouldn't have to feel all the pain that life has to offer !

It's like I wanted too many things in life that I wanted every thing to be perfect! (I blame walt disney for all those fairytales.... ). I turn down lots of things made bad-decision. Still, Here I am. As much as I wanted to give up life... well, It's sorta one of the least thing I would do right now. ACCEPTING life is more of the option.

Right now... I am appreciating every little things in my life, trying to accept things the way it is, and feeling content over things that is infront of me.
I wanna lay low - and think things over. I wanna set my mind free of - life toxins and poisonous words that are thrown upon me or more like a "sermon".
Cleanse myself and love me even more 'cause it's starting to scare me.

During times like this... I'm glad I had someone who looks after me, who set my mind straight, someone who make me realize that life doesn't always have to be perfect - like the way I wanted it to be.

I am beginning to kiss all these fears away and begin to see what God has to offer me.

One of the most humbling experience one would ever feel. A kneel-on-the-ground-and-pray experience that could surely open up ones eye.

But, realizing and accepting it, is not the end of the journey it's the standing up that counts the most! the part where you fight the battle... win or lose... After all, I've never given up... I just set it aside for awhile to ready myself for the upcoming battles.

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*Day-dreaming*

Baby Pepper would say . "Mr. Salt. (pulling sleeve) Can you fight that battle for me. I'm too scared!"

Mr Salt. Throwing pots and pans "You wish!"

Oh gosh! ang life nga nmn ang HIRAP!!!

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WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

xoxo,

Kitine